I haven't been writing regularly for a while now, at least a year since I started back to work full-time. I haven't been meditating regularly either...not sure why I stopped but definitely feeling the residual effects of both. I'm out of sorts, disgruntled, disenchanted, grumpy and judgmental. Not my usual self at all, my ego has been running the show. I know that not writing makes me feel disconnected from myself, my true self, my soul. Not meditating disconnects me from Spirit, from my Source, from All That Is Love. My fears and negative self-talk have been allowed to run amok unchecked, leaving my inner child feeling frightened, alone, and unloved. I know all this intellectually, and yet still I've avoided both writing and meditating. WHY??
After not working regularly for almost 2 1/2 yrs, going back to 40+ hrs of a physically demanding job came as quite a shock to my system. Add to this the stress of learning a new position/company. I think I've just been completely overwhelmed emotionally, mentally, and physically. I've been in "survival mode" for 12 months, and exhausted in every way, nothing at all left over at the end (or beginning!) of each day to give, even to myself. In the past few weeks I've begun to slowly become aware of how I was feeling, and yet still resisted doing anything about it! Only now, today, do I feel I'm emerging from the long dark tunnel. Expressing these feelings here in writing is my first tentative step back into the light.
I suppose we all go through times of life like this, where all our energy is focused outside ourselves. This is the nature of life in modern times I think. Things move so fast, we are inundated with information from every side, and feel some pressure to not just keep up, but to excel. Unfortunately in times like these, often the first things to fall away are the habits and practices that would best sustain us, carry us through successfully.
Well, today is a new day. I can choose to start anew, choose to refocus some of my attention and energy back on me. I can choose to replenish my own well so that I can give to others. I can choose to forgive myself for being neglectful, and start again caring for myself, body and soul.
As I write, I am sitting by our pool watching the beautiful Hawaiian sunrise. The air is damp after cooling overnight rain storms, replenishing the earth to withstand another hot summer day. Two garden snails are keeping me company, slowly but surely making determined progress across the lanai to some unknown point. As always in nature, I find perfect reminders that life is not a race to a destination, but a journey to be enjoyed slowly, and every new day brings a chance to begin again.
With warm aloha from my heart to yours...
