Learning to Trust and Let Go!

Looking back to last January when I decided to moved to Hawaii without a job and only a small amount of savings, I am starting to see what a leap of faith it was! I had been feeling very guided to make the move, for over a year and a half. There had been many signs that it was the right thing for me to do, most of all the fact that every time I visited here and then returned to Los Angeles, as the plane took off to leave I would begin to weep. My soul was trying to tell me that this was where I belonged. Thankfully, I decided to overcome my fears and listen. It was the best decision I ever made! 

I didn't realize it at the time, but in making that leap I was basically surrendering my life to Spirit, essentially saying "I don't know how this is all going to turn out, but I trust that YOU do!" As a result, the last 15 months have been exhilarating, fantastic, and absolutely terrifying by turns. But as a result, my emotional and spiritual growth has accelerated at an unbelievable rate. By getting out of my comfort zone, and releasing control over almost everything, just "going with the flow", I have grown in ways that I could never have foreseen. I feel so supported, loved and guided on this journey, as if I am finally stepping into my own power, and becoming the very best version of myself possible. My life here has turned out differently than I expected while planning my move, it is so much BIGGER and BETTER than I could possibly have imagined!

I am learning to let go of needing to see all the way to the "end" of where I am going on this journey. I am listening and allowing Spirit, through my intuition, to guide me one step at a time, releasing the "hows", trusting it will all work out alright. It can be very scary to not be in control (especially for a recovering control-freak!) but I am learning to release the fear. I don't need to know everything. I know what I need to know, that by taking one baby step at a time I am following Spirit's plan, allowing it to lead me in the cosmic dance of life, and all is well.

I have set my intentions for my ultimate destination, now I can release and trust my inner GPS, my intuition to lead me there. By allowing my soul to speak and to guide me, I am set on a path that the Universe is constructed to automatically support in every way! My job is to just show up, every day and give it my best, and then stand back and let the Universe do the rest. Since I have learned to trust in my higher self and let go, amazing things have been happening, way beyond anything I could have imagined or planned! I truly feel as though I am "co-creating my life" with Spirit.

So fellow adventurer, I say to you; set your intention, trust and follow your inner guide, allow the Universe room to work by surrendering control of all the details, and watch the miracles unfold!

When I Grow Up I Want to be a Mermaid!

I believe we all arrive on the earthly plane with a divine purpose. A few people seem to know from a young age what they are meant to do, and never waver from this course. However, most of us wander, searching into our 20's, 30's and even beyond, for our destiny in this lifetime. Looking back now, I can see that there were clues all along to who and what I would become, I just didn't recognize them at the time.

When I was 9 years old, my family visited the brand-new Disneyland in California. What a wonder of wonders! A truly magical place where fairy tales and my already-active imagination came to life. The highlight of this visit for me was "10,000 Leagues Under the Sea", a submarine ride through a large lagoon, with real-life mermaids swimming by the windows! From the monorail you could look down on these mythical creatures as they lay on the rocks, combing their hair, playing a harp or giggling with their friends while they waved at park-goers. That was it for me! From that day forward when asked "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" my answer was always "A mermaid!" I don't think the adults in my life took me very seriously, but to their credit they never disabused me of the idea, allowing me to continue to dream.

One of my favorite activities growing up was "playing store." I'd print "Sale!" signs in red block letters and tape them on my bedroom windows facing the street. I spent countless happy hours industriously putting price tags on everything I owned, carefully arranging and "merchandising" my toys and stuffed animals. I invited all my little friends to come over to "shop" and I would ring up their purchases on my shoe box "cash register."

The other thing I truly loved as a child was reading. My parents both enjoyed reading, and at a young age I can remember my father telling me "Books are our friends!" so I would treasure and take care of mine. (As I am writing this, there is a storage unit in California filled with boxes of books, waiting for me to come and get them!) My mom would often find me hiding under tablecloths, in closets, and under the covers with a flashlight, lost in some foreign land, living vicariously through the characters in my books. I think my love of books led me to want to write, to share my own stories with the world. In school I was introduced to one of my heroes, Henry David Thoreau. I learned to write poems, and channeled my love of nature and my child's view of spirituality, even having one published at the age of 12. Then I hit my hormone-fueled teenage years and wrote terrible, tormented love-poems, and tear-stained journals. Writing became both my passion and my solace.

Another of my favorite things was making up stories and plays for my friends to act out. I never wanted to be in the play, I just wanted to write the story, the lines for the actors to say, and to direct them in their roles. Somewhere I learned to say "Cut!" and "Back to one!" with great authority, rehearsing them tirelessly (well, I was tireless anyway!) until I deemed them "ready" for our big premiere for our families. (For which we charged 25 cents a head, and in true Broadway fashion, I shamelessly appropriated most of the profits!)

Looking back on all of this I can see that the clues to my life-path were there, my passions clearly defined all along. It's no surprise that for the first 20 years of my working life I managed retail stores, and loved being a "shop keeper." Then I fell into my current career in television and feature film production, loving the collaborative art of helping to bring "stories" to life. My poetry has given way to screenwriting, (who knows, maybe I'll direct some day?) blogging, and now a book series about my spiritual journey. And best of all, I now live in beautiful Hawaii, where I get to swim and play in turquoise waters at every opportunity. My mermaid dreams have finally come true! I know now that for most of my life I have instinctively followed my bliss, without really thinking about it. That is why I have always looked forward to going to work each day. What a blessing, and something that many people never find while working just a "job" that merely brings them money, but no joy! When you do what you love, you love what you do!

I believe that we are all born with our own unique talents, things we are meant to share with the world that make it a better place, gifts that only we can give. Your heart knows your destiny, it has always known, and your intuition is programmed to help you find your way. I think small clues to our destiny can be found in our early passions and interests. If you are still seeking your bliss, I encourage you to look back to the dreams of your childhood. Who knows, maybe you were meant to be a mermaid too? Or a pirate? Or elephant tamer, pilot, clown, or.....? Life is short, let your imagination run wild!

"Faith, trust, and pixie dust!"

Stalking the Elusive Ego in the Wild!

I believe that the ego is basically the same as our "rational" mind, or our "human" mind, whereas our intuition is the voice of our "higher self" or "God-self." Understanding our own true essence, that at our deepest core we are pure unconditional love, is death to the ego. The ego is all about "I", so when you finally understand that we are all LOVE, all ONE, that there is no "I", the ego ceases to exist or have function. So naturally, it is very invested in keeping us feeling fearful, guilty, ashamed and separate.

Over the course of the past week or so, I decided to make a study of my sneaky ego, stalking it in the wilds of my mind. It likes to lurk, unseen in the shadows watching for an opportunity to leap out and blind-side me.  Everything my ego does and says is designed to accomplish one thing; keeping me scared and thinking I am all alone in this world. By keeping me alienated and frightened it maintains control over me and my thoughts. I've uncovered a wide variety of strategies that it uses to derail me from my path of love, and I decided to document my not-so-scientific study. Here are some typical "sneak-attacks" used by my ego:

Finds fault and judges. By constantly finding fault and judging everyone else, my ego keeps me feeling superior, and separate. If that doesn't work, it starts finding fault and judging me, so I end up feeling terrible about myself, and unworthy of love.

Assigns blame and guilt. In many situations, usually of my own doing, my ego whispers that it's always "their" fault, that I am the innocent victim, creating a "me vs. the world" mentality and reinforces the idea of separateness. In other situations that are actually nothing to do with me, the ego assigns the guilt to me, making me feel like a horrible human being and not worthy of love, again creating a false sense of alone-ness.

Sabotages relationships. Our relationships are a huge threat to the ego, because if we truly allow ourselves to merge with another, our old wounds will be healed and we will understand the truth of our divine nature, seeing it reflected back in the eyes of another. So the ego sabotages our relationships by fault finding, judging, blaming and finding the "other" guilty and therefore "unlovable." This gives us a "legitimate" excuse to push them away and to avoid merging at all costs. This is especially true of our potential romantic partners. The ego goes into "overdrive" when we start to become involved with someone romantically, which is why many of us spend a lot of time alone and lonely. (Sometimes even while we're in a relationship!) Watch for words like "should" and "shouldn't", "always", and "never". These are red flags that your ego is in control and creating unrealistic expectations.

Focuses on the negative, in any situation. I am a pretty positive, upbeat person by nature, but my ego likes to try to bring me down. It points out the negative aspects, and reiterates all the scary, terrible things that "might" happen, trying to bring me from love to fear.

Takes everything personally.  The ego thinks "it's all about me". 99.9% of what other people do has nothing to do with you, but the ego will do it's best to convince you otherwise! It takes 99.9% of other people's actions personally, in order to create false shame and guilt, once again to keep you separate and alone.

Undermines my hopes and dreams. I recently attended a wonderful, very inspiring women's circle focused on putting our dreams and desires into the physical realm on vision boards. I left this event feeling so uplifted and excited for the future. However, the next morning as I looked over what I had created, the ego began to say things like "Who do you think you are, to be able to achieve these things??" and "Are you crazy? You don't deserve that, it will never come true!" This line of negative thinking was backed-up with lots of reasons such as "You're too old, too fat, too lazy, untalented" etc. I began to sink in to a miserable funk of fear that lasted 3 days until I realized that I had been ambushed by my ego!

Uses my old wounds to create new fears. I've noticed that my ego loves to remind me of old hurts and painful experiences. It pretends that it's only trying to protect me from being hurt again by dredging up these past memories, but in actuality it is creating fear where no fear need exist. This is not the past, and I am wiser now and better able to take care of myself. This is especially true when choosing to extend oneself in love to another, the ego loves to tell scary stories about a past time when I did this and was hurt. It is so determined to keep us from merging our heart with that of another!

Loves to kick me when I'm down. When I am tired, hungry, or hormonal the ego knows I am weak, so these are the times to be especially on guard against it's little schemes!

Denial. This is the sneakiest technique of all. Even as you are reading this post, it's likely your ego is telling you "these things don't apply to you, you're much smarter than that." HA! Don't fall for it. We all have ego, it's part of the human condition and unavoidable as long as you're on the earthly plane.

Strategies for dealing with the ego

"Fear is like a mist that obscures your heart's desire. If you have the courage and strength to walk bravely through, the mist will dissipate and disappear." I love this quote because it reminds me that like the mists of Avalon, fear is an illusion, a trick of the mind. But trying to struggle with and fight the ego only feeds it energy. So I have learned my own strategies for dealing with my sneaky ego, helping me to "walk through the mist":

Call it out. This is the hardest step, becoming aware of the false-fear voice and recognizing when these attacks are happening. The most important thing is to monitor your thoughts, and to notice when you have strayed from love into fear. When I notice my ego is up to it's tricks, I actually say out loud (assuming I'm alone!) "AHA!! I SEE YOU, SNEAKY EGO AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO!!" This invariably makes me laugh, which leads to the next strategy.

Laugh at it! Some people come up with funny names for their ego, which is a wonderful tool. As I've blogged before, I picture my ego as the Wile E. Coyote in the roadrunner cartoons, always sneaking around, plotting and planning to take down my higher self. This also makes me laugh, which is the spiritual version of martial arts. When I am able to laugh at my ego, it is embarrassed to be caught in the act and turns it's tail and slithers off to it's cave to await another day.

Heal old wounds. "The purpose of adulthood is to finish the unfinished business of childhood." By going back and healing our old wounds, we take away the ability for the ego to use them to create weapons of fear with which to rule us. The ego really doesn't want you to do this though, and it will make up a million reasons for you to not do it, saying things like "It's too much work!" and "It's too hard/depressing/painful." These feelings are sure signs that this is something very important for you to do, if you want to truly move forward in your spiritual journey to love.

Pour love on it. I have discovered that the ego cannot stand the light, it shrinks and shrivels like the Wicked Witch of the West when Dorothy threw water on her. The ego is a bully whose ultimate goal is to make me feel badly about myself and others, in order to perpetuate the illusion of separateness. So when I start to have negative thoughts about myself, I stop and send love to me. I picture myself at age 5, and just as I would with any 5 year old being picked on by a bully, I tell her how much I love her, how wonderful she is, and I envision giving that precious child a hug. I take a look in the mirror and focus on all the good things I see there, and I tell my image "I love you!" I am finding that as I shine the light on all that is good in me, focusing on self-love, my ego shrinks and retreats. It can no longer use it's usual tricks of telling me how unworthy or unlovable I am, and loses it's power.

When I am feeling resistance towards someone else, and find myself wanting to distance myself or push them away, it is a sure sign that my ego has taken over. I've found it's actually a perfect moment to stop and look into the mirror that's being held up for me, and to learn something very valuable about myself that my ego doesn't want me to know! Any time you are not in a state of love, you have detoured into a state of fear. If I pay close attention when I am finding fault with someone else, I have an opportunity to learn something about ME. When someone "gets on your nerves", or "pushes your buttons" instead of focusing on them, focus on what is it in YOU that is so bothered by them? Usually it is something that I do myself, or that I really dislike about myself, or fear most about myself etc. The guilt I am seeing in them is actually my own, projected onto them. The ego is very invested in keeping you in a state of isolation, and aligned with fear, so it doesn't want you to see these things about yourself. So it makes it always about "them" and what "they" are doing. When it is someone else that the ego is criticizing or judging, I try to look at the person and focus on seeing the light-filled being within, choosing to accept them exactly as they are, and sending them love and blessings. Whether it's myself or others, by pouring love on the ego's target, I am taking away it's power!

When I am able to be awake and aware enough to notice my ego taking control, these strategies never fail to bring me back to being centered in the feelings of happiness, joy and compassion. Through acknowledging the ego's existence, and releasing my fears I am literally returned to my higher self, I am returned to our natural state of love.

Wishing you light, love and an ego-less state of mind!