Sunday, June 24, 2012

For the Girls, Part 2

As I wrote in my previous post, I think there is a serious problem with female self-esteem these days that borders on epidemic. In talking to friends and hearing their relationship trials, listening to my younger co-workers discuss their love lives, in doing Tarot readings for women, as well as my own experiences in relationships, I am seeing a common theme. We feel as though we are not being treated as we deserve, and not getting back as much as we give. In my last post I suggested we stop with the victim mentality and take ownership for the fact that we are helping to create these unsatisfying relationships. We are the ones allowing the bad behavior, even rewarding it! We allow a man to call (or even worse, text us) at the last minute to get together (or “hang out”, or “hook up”.) We act like we have no lives and no self-respect. We allow them to show up, however and whenever it suits their schedule and their needs with no regard for our own needs and wants. Then we wonder why our needs and wants aren’t being met! We need to wake up to the fact that WE are the ones who set the value on our time, our bodies, and our hearts. If we give everything away to someone who is giving very little in return, what message is that sending about what we think about ourselves? Why should they value us, if we appear not to even value ourselves?

I think the solution is actually very simple, but not necessarily easy. First and foremost, Love Yourself. If you do not truly love and value yourself, no one else will either. By becoming your own true love, you remove any “need” from your relationships, and we all know how unattractive neediness is! But how does one learn to love oneself, in this world where “perfection” is held up as the womanly ideal, everywhere you turn? Here are my suggestions: 1. Get up every morning and write a list of 50 things you love about yourself. It can be the same list everyday, and you can love your physical attributes, as well as your personality traits, but something about the act of writing these down is mysteriously powerful. When I first started doing this, I had a difficult time finding even 10! But as time went on and I started to see that there really were things I loved about myself, the things that made me unique, the list began to grow and I started to truly feel good about myself. 2. Write yourself love notes and leave them around the house where you will find them. 3. Look in your own eyes in the mirror every morning and say “I love you! You are a beautiful, wonderful, love and light-filled creature. You deserve only the best!” You may feel silly at first, but this affirmation is also extremely powerful.

Secondly, Treat Yourself Accordingly. Give yourself a warm, clean, nurturing home environment filled with things that you love and have meaning for you. Throw out or give away anything worn, broken, and less than you deserve. Find ways to remind yourself how much you are loved. I have 2 large frames that contain collages of photos of friends and family. Every time I look at them I am reminded how much I am loved. I save voice mails from people I love so I can listen when I feel blue, and the sound of all that love washing over me is so wonderful! Do small things like buying yourself flowers every now and then, and whatever else makes you happy. The point is, give yourself the life you deserve, stop waiting for a man to show up and give it to you.

Thirdly, GET BUSY! Busy people are happy people. Get busy building your life around YOU. Build a circle of friends, male and female, and go out and do things. Concerts, movies, museums, wine-tasting, things that make you happy. Don’t wait for a guy to show up in your life to have one! Take classes, accept every invitation, get out and live. “If you’re not busy living, you’re busy dying.” When you are busy and happy, feeling loved by yourself and others, you are much less likely to drop everything to just “hang out”. A guy will have to make plans in advance, (what a concept!) in order to catch you coming or going. They will have to show up in a big way to get your attention, and they will value you much more for it! If they aren’t willing put out the necessary effort, then they weren’t going to treat you the way you deserve anyway. You might as well find out now, save yourself the time and grief.

The bottom line, and the ultimate point I’m trying to make is that your happiness is your responsibility and is in your control. The best way to find a loving relationship is to build one with yourself. How we allow other people to treat us is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. We attract what we are. If you want love, become love. Have a love affair with yourself. Put a high value on your precious heart for the beautiful gift that it is, and chances are you will find a man who does too. But even if you don't, you will be happy, and you will be loved!

Sending much love and light.

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